Friday, June 6, 2014
Ramblings about orange groves ...
This is what's up ...
Thesis
Motivation
Frustration
Gratitude
Coffee
Coffee shops
Procrastination
Food
Jealous of people who can eat whatever they want
Diets
Weight Watchers
Hard work
Support
Poetry
Not so good
Free association writing
Homesick
Movies
Dad
This is long
Striped tank tops
Long, black MAXI skirts
Summertime
Outdoor porches
Fatigue
Caffeine is amazing
ADD meds - maybe even better
Increase in stuttering from Focalin?
Research
Internship
Stuttering
Clients
Off track
Not worried right now
Smooth flowing
Rashes on my hands... go away!!
Beautiful weather
Good friends
Independence
Self-reliance
Need more
Proud of myself
1 hour spent on Thesis work
Accomplishment for me now!
That's all ... Take this how you wish.
Good day,
Christine
Stutter With Dignity!
Monday, January 6, 2014
I had it all wrong: Stuttering actually DOES control me and my speech
Hello all! Happy New Year - 2014!
I have been doing some reflection these past few days - since the beginning of this new year and have come upon some troubling, but transformational new thoughts.
I was involved in a public list-serv for people who stutter across the world when I was age 16-18, in the early days of my stuttering - exactly when I realized I was a person who stutters. On this forum, I met some of the most amazing, honest, insightful, supportive people. They truly got me started on my path to recovery from stuttering. Many people wrote e-articles and testimonials often using the metaphor "stuttering is a monster" or "stuttering is a beast/dragon" and other similar metaphors to define what stuttering meant to them. I agreed with this mindset and still do. I also learned from the forum and articles that, or at least I began to form this belief from the readings, that - STUTTERING does not and should not ever control me. Stuttering does not control me. I can control the stuttering. Stuttering does not hold me back if I do not let it. I can have power over the stuttering. I also learned that stuttering does not define me and it is just a small part of who I am. Well, today, I now believe that STUTTERING does control me, not the other way around. More accurately stated, stuttering controls my speech, my speech patterns, my speech flow, the flow of my speech, and also a part of me called my emotions.
Let's get this right...
Old Belief - Stuttering does not control me.
New Belief - Stuttering does indeed control me and my speech.
Wow...this is scary. I do not want this to be true and I do not want to accept it. I have believed for the last nine years that stuttering cannot and will not control me. But, through a series of bad speech days over the last several months resulting in self-hate, confusion, frustration, anger, denial, and self-criticism, and many tears, I realized I cannot fight anymore. I realized that these emotions are the result of the Old Belief and that now, stuttering DOES in fact control me and my speech.
How and Why might you ask?
Because it is generally accepted among the literature and stuttering experts that stuttering is a multifaceted disorder dependent upon a constitutional mix of physiologic, neurologic and genetic components/factors. So, because my stuttering is largely a result of and based on physiological, neurological and genetic (yes, it runs in my family) factors, I have no control of stuttering. I cannot physically go into my brain and rewire the neurocircuitry. I cannot undo the crossed neurons. I cannot correct the deeply engrained, faulty neuropathways. Neuropathways that were imbedded through years of maladaptive learned habits due to years of dysfluent speech and the negative emotions and thoughts that followed. I cannot reset the timing of my cerebellum, basal ganglia and other motor-speech mechanisms in my brain that control the flow of my speech. I cannot make new the mutated stuttering chromosomes found in my DNA strands - the most recent scientific discovery (see story on cnn.com, 2010). If I cannot physically fix, correct or change these neurological structures or genetic chromosomes, how can I have control?
Stuttering is unpredictable. Tomorrow is unpredictable. The next story I tell is unpredictable. The flow of my speech is unpredictable. I have absolutely no telling or foresight or clue into whether I will be fluent or dysfluent on the next sentence, story or speech I tell. Stuttering controls me, it controls my speech.
What can I control then? Surely I can control something, right? - yes, indeed
But first, I need to tell you that I cannot control my emotional responses or feelings that come from a positive or negative stuttering moment. Emotions come and go quickly. They are transient, impermanent, and unpredictable. Thus, while I CAN control my actions in response to that emotion, I cannot control the emotion that comes washing over me immediately following a positive or negative stuttering moment. Thus, it should follow that if stuttering controls my speech, and the speech controls my emotions, and my emotions are a part of ME, then, it logically follows that stuttering controls ME (the me that are those emotions attached to the stuttering that make up me - a part of me).
But, I CAN control how I respond to the reactions from others. I can control my decision to use or not use a technique. I can control how I will execute that technique. But, I cannot control the outcome of the technique. I can also control the conscious beliefs I form and hold to be true about my communication style, about other people and their reactions, and about what stuttering means to me. I can also, of course, control the thoughts I want to have about my stuttering - which are the basis for the following emotions and beliefs I will then have based on that thought.
Stuttering will always control my speech and it will always control a part of me. What is ME, then? What part of ME does stuttering control? ..... The emotional response to stuttering. Because I am made up of a mix of emotions, and stuttering causes a quick change in my emotion (positive or negative), then, again, logically, it follows that stuttering controls the part of ME called my emotions.
The New Belief is hard to accept. I do not want to accept it. I am starting on a very new journey of what stuttering means to me. I feel my whole paradigm/belief system around what stuttering means to me has flipped. The Old Belief I held onto so ferociously to for nine years. And in those nine years of self-discovery, acceptance, self-awareness, and feelings of confidence and accomplishment which came from advertisting and educating others on what stuttering means to me and what it should mean to others, ... well, it's a hard pill to swallow if now I am changing my belief. Did I mislead people? I feel I have misled myself. I did mislead myself.
However, even in those nine years, I was also speaking passionately on commonly-accepted notions that many people who stutter hold to be true. I have believed that stuttering does not define you; it does not categorize you into a little box of just a stutterer; it is only a small part of who you are; it is something you DO and not something you ARE. So, there's much more to be said of stuttering that I can say the majority of the stuttering community believes to be true for themselves and which has led them to a new level of self-acceptance, self-love and recovery. I have seen the changes and heard their inspiring testimonials.
But, change is still hard. It's scary. It hurts. It makes me feel uncertain and frankly, kinda stupid, that I believed this all along. But, no one is perfect, we are always learning, growing, and changing. I take this is a time of change ... in regards to what stuttering means to me. A transition. A new phase. A rebirth. And, what's even a little more scary is that... maybe I'm wrong even now... maybe I don't have it right. But, who does? Does anyone hold that perfect, flawless, correct meaning of stuttering? Maybe what stuttering means to one person is just what stuttering means to them; and that belief is just as valid as the next person's belief. And, just maybe I will learn something new and flip this paradigm back to the Old Belief in a few months, next year, or five years down the road. But, that's what living and growing is about, right? You need to be wrong sometimes in order to grow.
Stuttering does control my speech and a part of me ... what a ridiculous, but true thing. So, what does stuttering mean to you? What or who holds the control? Do you use the word control? If you do, how do you use it?
-Christine
I have been doing some reflection these past few days - since the beginning of this new year and have come upon some troubling, but transformational new thoughts.
I was involved in a public list-serv for people who stutter across the world when I was age 16-18, in the early days of my stuttering - exactly when I realized I was a person who stutters. On this forum, I met some of the most amazing, honest, insightful, supportive people. They truly got me started on my path to recovery from stuttering. Many people wrote e-articles and testimonials often using the metaphor "stuttering is a monster" or "stuttering is a beast/dragon" and other similar metaphors to define what stuttering meant to them. I agreed with this mindset and still do. I also learned from the forum and articles that, or at least I began to form this belief from the readings, that - STUTTERING does not and should not ever control me. Stuttering does not control me. I can control the stuttering. Stuttering does not hold me back if I do not let it. I can have power over the stuttering. I also learned that stuttering does not define me and it is just a small part of who I am. Well, today, I now believe that STUTTERING does control me, not the other way around. More accurately stated, stuttering controls my speech, my speech patterns, my speech flow, the flow of my speech, and also a part of me called my emotions.
Let's get this right...
Old Belief - Stuttering does not control me.
New Belief - Stuttering does indeed control me and my speech.
Wow...this is scary. I do not want this to be true and I do not want to accept it. I have believed for the last nine years that stuttering cannot and will not control me. But, through a series of bad speech days over the last several months resulting in self-hate, confusion, frustration, anger, denial, and self-criticism, and many tears, I realized I cannot fight anymore. I realized that these emotions are the result of the Old Belief and that now, stuttering DOES in fact control me and my speech.
How and Why might you ask?
Because it is generally accepted among the literature and stuttering experts that stuttering is a multifaceted disorder dependent upon a constitutional mix of physiologic, neurologic and genetic components/factors. So, because my stuttering is largely a result of and based on physiological, neurological and genetic (yes, it runs in my family) factors, I have no control of stuttering. I cannot physically go into my brain and rewire the neurocircuitry. I cannot undo the crossed neurons. I cannot correct the deeply engrained, faulty neuropathways. Neuropathways that were imbedded through years of maladaptive learned habits due to years of dysfluent speech and the negative emotions and thoughts that followed. I cannot reset the timing of my cerebellum, basal ganglia and other motor-speech mechanisms in my brain that control the flow of my speech. I cannot make new the mutated stuttering chromosomes found in my DNA strands - the most recent scientific discovery (see story on cnn.com, 2010). If I cannot physically fix, correct or change these neurological structures or genetic chromosomes, how can I have control?
Stuttering is unpredictable. Tomorrow is unpredictable. The next story I tell is unpredictable. The flow of my speech is unpredictable. I have absolutely no telling or foresight or clue into whether I will be fluent or dysfluent on the next sentence, story or speech I tell. Stuttering controls me, it controls my speech.
What can I control then? Surely I can control something, right? - yes, indeed
But first, I need to tell you that I cannot control my emotional responses or feelings that come from a positive or negative stuttering moment. Emotions come and go quickly. They are transient, impermanent, and unpredictable. Thus, while I CAN control my actions in response to that emotion, I cannot control the emotion that comes washing over me immediately following a positive or negative stuttering moment. Thus, it should follow that if stuttering controls my speech, and the speech controls my emotions, and my emotions are a part of ME, then, it logically follows that stuttering controls ME (the me that are those emotions attached to the stuttering that make up me - a part of me).
But, I CAN control how I respond to the reactions from others. I can control my decision to use or not use a technique. I can control how I will execute that technique. But, I cannot control the outcome of the technique. I can also control the conscious beliefs I form and hold to be true about my communication style, about other people and their reactions, and about what stuttering means to me. I can also, of course, control the thoughts I want to have about my stuttering - which are the basis for the following emotions and beliefs I will then have based on that thought.
Stuttering will always control my speech and it will always control a part of me. What is ME, then? What part of ME does stuttering control? ..... The emotional response to stuttering. Because I am made up of a mix of emotions, and stuttering causes a quick change in my emotion (positive or negative), then, again, logically, it follows that stuttering controls the part of ME called my emotions.
The New Belief is hard to accept. I do not want to accept it. I am starting on a very new journey of what stuttering means to me. I feel my whole paradigm/belief system around what stuttering means to me has flipped. The Old Belief I held onto so ferociously to for nine years. And in those nine years of self-discovery, acceptance, self-awareness, and feelings of confidence and accomplishment which came from advertisting and educating others on what stuttering means to me and what it should mean to others, ... well, it's a hard pill to swallow if now I am changing my belief. Did I mislead people? I feel I have misled myself. I did mislead myself.
However, even in those nine years, I was also speaking passionately on commonly-accepted notions that many people who stutter hold to be true. I have believed that stuttering does not define you; it does not categorize you into a little box of just a stutterer; it is only a small part of who you are; it is something you DO and not something you ARE. So, there's much more to be said of stuttering that I can say the majority of the stuttering community believes to be true for themselves and which has led them to a new level of self-acceptance, self-love and recovery. I have seen the changes and heard their inspiring testimonials.
But, change is still hard. It's scary. It hurts. It makes me feel uncertain and frankly, kinda stupid, that I believed this all along. But, no one is perfect, we are always learning, growing, and changing. I take this is a time of change ... in regards to what stuttering means to me. A transition. A new phase. A rebirth. And, what's even a little more scary is that... maybe I'm wrong even now... maybe I don't have it right. But, who does? Does anyone hold that perfect, flawless, correct meaning of stuttering? Maybe what stuttering means to one person is just what stuttering means to them; and that belief is just as valid as the next person's belief. And, just maybe I will learn something new and flip this paradigm back to the Old Belief in a few months, next year, or five years down the road. But, that's what living and growing is about, right? You need to be wrong sometimes in order to grow.
Stuttering does control my speech and a part of me ... what a ridiculous, but true thing. So, what does stuttering mean to you? What or who holds the control? Do you use the word control? If you do, how do you use it?
-Christine
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Making progress with my Thesis
Thesis meeting #2 - perfect!
I've narrowed my topic, have a clearer direction, and am pretty much done (if not, done done) with my literature search! And I hate literature searches! So, this is all good news.
I cannot openly state my exact thesis topic question, but it does have to do with stuttering and the cause of it.
I think you will all find it very interesting when I am done!
The due date of it all is Oct 15, 2014.
Right now, I am finishing reading up one more batch of scholarly articles (7-8), then starting to rough draft my literature review portion.
I am to meet with my advisor next Tuesday, in less than a week, so I gotta get started!
Have a great day!
Happy stuttering!
-Christine
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Blog, how I've missed you...
Happy May!!
Hello readers:
It has been almost 2 whole years since my last post in Aug 2011. Where have I been?!
Well, honestly I lost the motivation to write a while back.
The reason I am back on here is for 2 reasons:
1. I am beginning to write a masters thesis for my speech-language pathology program and I was told that writing every day (a little or a lot) will help keep your focused and motivated to complete the thesis. I think it's working for me so far. :)
2. I read that, in general, people who write a little each day, or make a habit of it, can improve their writing skills (a given), but also improve their creativity and problem-solving skills. Sign me up!!
So, that is why I am back! I also feel more creative, powerful and like I have more of a sense of purpose when writing on here. I have something to do! And life isn't as boring. I also hope to share some new insights and personal revelations with you as the months progress.
___
Where am I at in life?
As I mentioned above, I am entering my 3rd semester in my graduate speech-language pathology program at Eastern Michigan U. So far, so good. I really enjoy my classmates. Everyone is so kind, helpful and approachable. The classes are interesting. I would say I have enjoyed about half and half of them so far. There will always be a class you don't like as much due to many reasons.
Good news is - I'll be entering my first semester of Clinic this Fall, in a short 4-5 months.
___
I am living in Ann Arbor, MI and absolutely love it! So many restaurants, shops, entertainment/culture/arts events. And a beautiful river around which you can walk, picnic, bike, and run. People in Ann Arbor are very active, healthy and well-educated. My kind of people.
___
I am currently sitting in my comfortable 1 bedroom apartment (7 min drive from campus; 5 min drive from Ann Arbor) eating a spread of healthy veggies and carbs. The wind is softly blowing through my patio screen. My bedroom blinds are angrily swaying about clashing against each other while the breeze rushes in. The temperature is about 72 degrees, sunny and a beautiful, and a crisp breeze blows through my building and the town of Ann Arbor.
I am about to watch an episode of Seinfeld and proceed to my sunny patio to work on my thesis. Goal is to write 2 pages of my Lit Review! Lastly, a friendly Google+ hangout with a friend who stutters. Good day.
Thanks for reading!!
Until next time ...
Stutter proudly,
Christine
Saturday, August 27, 2011
New Job and New Horizons....
It's been a while. Sorry guys! So, new topic .... Speech Therapy. And it's not quite what you think. I am not TAKING or IN Speech Therapy, rather I am giving/doing Speech Therapy! I am currently employed as a Speech Language Assistant at a public elementary school and a catholic elementary school in my hometown. I started work last Wednesday, August 24th. Everyone seems nice and welcoming so far at my school and out of all the SLPs I have met so far (Speech Language Pathologists).
I am currently looking over IEPs (Individualized Education Plans), the child's case history form, so to speak, and trying to make a schedule of when I should pull out the kids from their classrooms, and which ones I should group together based on age and disability.
So, I've been doing a lot of reading and writing (summarizing their speech and language goals for the year), and I feel so professional!
I am so proud and happy to have this job. I am also very blessed. I give all the credit to my Higher Power, God, because none of this would have happened without Him. None!
I am making really good money and I have good hours - 8 am-3:30pm.
But one little story I wanna share with you is, when I met the school psychologist, I was a little put off by his response to the way I said my name. When I introduced myself to him and said, "Hi, I'm Ch-ch-ch-christine," he responded, "I can see why are you doing this job." ..... Excuse me?!!! And you are a psychologist, ... shouldn't you have sympathy and understanding of those with disabilities? Hmm... just curious.
But, despite that little speedbump, all is well, I like my job so far, and I can't wait to start seeing little kiddos!!!
Thanks for reading! Good day to you.
I am currently looking over IEPs (Individualized Education Plans), the child's case history form, so to speak, and trying to make a schedule of when I should pull out the kids from their classrooms, and which ones I should group together based on age and disability.
So, I've been doing a lot of reading and writing (summarizing their speech and language goals for the year), and I feel so professional!
I am so proud and happy to have this job. I am also very blessed. I give all the credit to my Higher Power, God, because none of this would have happened without Him. None!
I am making really good money and I have good hours - 8 am-3:30pm.
But one little story I wanna share with you is, when I met the school psychologist, I was a little put off by his response to the way I said my name. When I introduced myself to him and said, "Hi, I'm Ch-ch-ch-christine," he responded, "I can see why are you doing this job." ..... Excuse me?!!! And you are a psychologist, ... shouldn't you have sympathy and understanding of those with disabilities? Hmm... just curious.
But, despite that little speedbump, all is well, I like my job so far, and I can't wait to start seeing little kiddos!!!
Thanks for reading! Good day to you.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Can a PWS recover from stuttering?
I have talked to a few PWS about recovering from stuttering. I once read about a man who called himself a recovered or recovering stutterer. Then, in an interview with Pam Mertz, a wonderful lady who stutters herself and has her own blog, when she asked me why I got into Speech Language Pathology, I told her I wanted to help children or adults who stutter accept and recover from their stuttering. She then asked me what I meant by "recover," and I told her that I think one can recover from stuttering by coming to the point in their lives where they can accept their stutter and who they are as a person who stutters. Later, in a skype chat with fellow PWS, one man told me that in the medical field "recover" refers to the state of being that one has overcome or regained full functioning or even was cured from a disease or disability that was inflicting them. Thus, he concluded that since there is no cure for stuttering, a PWS cannot recover from stuttering. This fellow PWS made a good point, and I am beginning to reconsider my thoughts on this topic. What does the term "recover" really mean? Does it mean that you become fluent? Or could it just mean that you have come to the state of mind that you completely accept yourself and your stutter and are thus able to better manage your stutter, your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions?
I welcome any comments on this topic, as I am very interested in it.
Until next time.... Thanks!
I welcome any comments on this topic, as I am very interested in it.
Until next time.... Thanks!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Painting, Painting, All Day Long
I paint, I paint, I paint all day
I want to go, but I have to stay
The paint fumes waft up my nose
Not as pretty smelling as a red, red rose
Stuck in a muggy building, the sweat drips down
And a clean rag to wipe my sweat cannot be found
It is now lunchtime
I only have a yogurt, carrots and a lime
I lay the drop cloths and set up the ladder
But as soon as I lay on the paint, it begins to splatter
.... and that's all I got now.
I'm out!
I want to go, but I have to stay
The paint fumes waft up my nose
Not as pretty smelling as a red, red rose
Stuck in a muggy building, the sweat drips down
And a clean rag to wipe my sweat cannot be found
It is now lunchtime
I only have a yogurt, carrots and a lime
I lay the drop cloths and set up the ladder
But as soon as I lay on the paint, it begins to splatter
.... and that's all I got now.
I'm out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)